Well I did start writing a blog a couple of hours ago but I got forced off of here to write some more of my dissertation by Matthew. So I wrote a little bit and then we got distracted by the rugby. Well he did and I just snuck off of my laptop and cuddled up. He didn’t seem to mind too much.
Still feeling a bit down today, well I was this morning anyway. I’m okay now for the most part. It’s silly things that set me off and then it’s hard to get out of the thought process. I know I’ll get past it eventually. Talking to people about it is tough. You worry they won’t understand or think you’re insane or worse, leave you. Being around people is what helps me most. Getting out the house, keeping my thoughts busy. My mum asked me how long I spend mulling over things each day and it hit me how many hours a day I waste dwelling on something rather than do anything about it.
I met and spent a lot of time with someone before who suffered from depression and anxiety. I really did not like him. Not because of that, but because of the way he drank and only thought about himself and blamed everything on everyone else alongside his anxiety issues. I have no time for people like that. I understand how disabling it can be to suffer like that, but not helping yourself is the worst thing you can do. I mean I got to a point after a week of anxiety attacks and just said to myself ‘Becca you aren’t being like this again, you aren’t ruining your entire life and hurting people you love’.
A week may not sound like a long time to most people, but it was the longest week I have had in a very long time. When I’m relaxed I can look at the situation objectively but I find it hard to relax at the moment. I’m scheduled to do some cognitive behaviour therapy soon which I’m hoping will help to straighten out some of the issues I have. The lady I saw was very nice and explained sometimes when we fear things it affects how we think about them.
I really don’t want to be that person though. I liked how I was before. It was always there on some level under the surface and I always knew it would probably surface again but I didn’t think it would be that soon. If somethings broken it can be fixed and it’s funny what time can do. It’s nice to know I have people I can talk about it to, that keep me positive, that make me smile still.
I’d like to think I’m not weak. I sometimes feel like I’m letting all those people down and myself down. I know I can relax and just be myself again though. I’ve done it before. I can do it again.